Request User Access

“Every penguin waddles in from somewhere cold. Some come from the South Atlantic, some from open source repositories, some from organisations that know your name. We triage every request — quickly, fairly, and only when you’ve had your say.” — FrenzyPenguin Media / neohiro

Why this exists

The neohiro private-assistant infrastructure is invite-only by default. Triage keeps the system healthy — too many half-formed users and the heartbeat stutters, the cache thrashes, and the abuse filter cries wolf.

If you want access:

  1. Start triage — fill in the questionnaire below. It takes about 3 minutes.
  2. Triage passes — your request lands in the God Admin’s inbox as a structured note. Nothing is automatic. A real human reviews it.
  3. Wait for decision — you’ll be redirected to a holding page that polls a secure endpoint. No account, no email, no telemetry.
  4. Decision — accepted → you receive an invite link. Declined → you receive a clear reason. Either way, the record is kept for audit.

No personal data is required for triage. We collect only what we need to make a decision. See /privacy for the full data inventory.

The questionnaire

Who are you?

Pick the identifier we should look for. Nothing is sent yet. You can change it on every step.

What happens after submit

  1. Your request lands in /Brain/heartbeat/access_requests/<id>.json (encrypted with age)
  2. A triage summary is written to /Brain/heartbeat/access_digest.json and shown in the admin dashboard
  3. The God Admin opens the request in /admin/access-requests/<id>/ and approves / declines
  4. Approved — you receive an invite link (signed token, single-use, 24h)
  5. Declined — you receive a clear reason and a chance to clarify
  6. Withdrawn — record is purged; you start over if you change your mind

No data is sent to any third party. No email, no phone, no SMS. We contact you only through the channel you chose on step 4 (GitHub handle, email hash, or referral).

Why medical terminology?

This stack treats system health like a body. The triage flow above uses the same language. The decision queue is the waiting room. The reviewer is the on-call physician. The invite token is the discharge summary.

This is deliberate: medical terminology is precise, calm, and unambiguous. No firefighting energy, no jargon fatigue. Just clean triage.